“You’re not a perfectionist.
You’re someone who learned that “perfect” was a safe way to avoid judgment.
You’re not an overthinker.
You’re someone who tries to control the outcome by solving it in your head first.
Those aren’t personality traits. They are protective patterns, used to feel safe.”
[Parts of a post by Charlotte Grimmel – @themindfriend]
I’m struck by these reframed ideas. They’re making me rethink aspects of myself that I’ve always believed were simply part of who I am.
I’ve mostly been proud of my ‘perfectionist’ trait, often speaking about it as a strength. The dismantling of this narrative has been happening for a while, both in society and in my own self-awareness. But thinking of this side of me as a protective pattern rather than an inherent characteristic is jarring in the most powerful way.
I don’t remember specific moments where judgment significantly impacted me, but judgment was normalised in the environment where I grew up. I normalised it too, until one day I thought differently, and being around so much judgment became uncomfortable.
Eventually, I stopped being friends with my high school group because break time had become sitting around, talking negatively about people.
This act of resistance and boundary-setting cost me significantly. Those former friends turned around and bullied me for years. They ruined so much for me, defining parts of me that were never meant to be available for other people’s definitions.
Similarly, being an overthinker is definitely something I learned from the people and situations around me growing up. I’ve always tried to control outcomes by solving them in my head, especially outcomes so far beyond my control that no amount of thinking could ever change anything.
These protective patterns serve a purpose, but only to a point. Beyond that purpose, they become harmful. They lead to ways of thinking that aren’t kind or loving. They train our nervous system to form habits that carry real physical and mental consequences.
We need to recognise and name these patterns so that we can better understand how to disrupt them, how to form new ways of being, and how to love ourselves more truthfully.
The goal isn’t to shame ourselves for developing these protections when we needed them, but to acknowledge when they no longer serve us, and to gently create space for who we’re becoming instead.
